Some of my favorite deep thoughts of the legend..............Post some of your favorites...
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I wish outer space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets cause I would really like one of those little basket beds with my name on it.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I carve a jack o lantern.
Then I take the jack o lantern to the persons house I want to kill. Then I put a knife in the jack o lantern with a note that says "you."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I
bet you can really see it in those genitals
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here looking through your stuff.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes.
“Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was
getting pretty late.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding
on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one
of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
bear.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
When walking in the woods, I found a skull. While waiting for the sheriff to arrive, I thought, who was this person, what was their life like, and how did they get those deer horns?
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If god dwells inside us like some people say, then I hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I wish outer space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets cause I would really like one of those little basket beds with my name on it.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I carve a jack o lantern.
Then I take the jack o lantern to the persons house I want to kill. Then I put a knife in the jack o lantern with a note that says "you."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I
bet you can really see it in those genitals
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here looking through your stuff.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes.
“Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was
getting pretty late.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding
on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one
of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
bear.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
When walking in the woods, I found a skull. While waiting for the sheriff to arrive, I thought, who was this person, what was their life like, and how did they get those deer horns?
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If god dwells inside us like some people say, then I hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
No comments:
Post a Comment